A few years ago I got hooked on a Netflix series ‘Derek’ (if you haven’t watched it – do yourself a favour). Written by and starring comedian Ricky Gervais, the show takes you into the lives of Derek and the staff at Broad Hill Nursing Home as they work together to build a loving, inclusive space for all that walk through their doors. The series is funny, emotional and thought provoking. It is Gervais’ brilliant way of pleading with the world to be more kind to one another. And isn’t the world in desperate need of that right now.
For many years I have been taking people to Tanzania in East Africa. Whilst we are there we spend some time with the local community in Moshi, and give whatever we can to help. It’s amazing the mutual joy the experience brings. A few years ago, I was invited to my friend Nelson’s wedding, and made the journey to Tanzania on my own in the middle of wet season. One morning, I walked into town to grab a coffee and stepped in a puddle of thick mud. As I went to step out of the puddle, the strap on one of the Havianas I was wearing broke and I was left barefoot… standing on a dirt road…in the rain… a few kms from my hotel.
As I stood there and contemplated what to do, a lady approached me from a local market. She couldn’t speak much English, but showed me to a small area of shelter and gestured to me to wait as she took my broken Haviana and walked back into the market. A few minutes later she came back with a brand new set of thongs in her hands... and they were my size! She handed them to me, bowed her head, and said thank you for helping her son’s school for so many years. I offered her some money but she wouldn’t accept it. We both walked away with huge smiles on our faces. I will never forget that interaction – it is part of me now and influences every other interaction I have.
Given the events of the last couple of weeks I feel kindness is something we should be talking about. At times the world seems to be rapidly becoming more hostile and self-absorbed; and human interactions less personal, less forgiving and more transactional. It’s almost like kindness and compassion are now seen as excess baggage as individuals go on a journey to push their own agenda. There seems to be a notion that kindness is of lesser value than wealth, intelligence, talent or power/status. This is something I strongly disagree with.
Think about it…. we are living through a time where wealth, intelligence, talent and power/status are present in abundance… yet there is more discord, disunity, isolation and conflict within our society. We need to adjust our approach. Here are a few of my thoughts:
Kindness and Strength aren’t mutually exclusive.
On Friday 15 March 2019 a man walked into a Mosque in Christchurch, New Zealand and massacred 50 innocent human beings going about their prayer rituals. It was an unthinkable and horrific act of violence, and a tragic and unnecessary loss of life. Yet amongst the midst of the tragedy and despair, New Zealand’s Prime Minister took the world by surprise. She responded with a different tone and dialogue to the hard line we have become all too accustomed to. She demonstrated a level of genuine empathy and compassion that I cannot recall having seen in political leadership for some time. Her actions and her language were strong, defiant… and kind. Jacinda Ardern has showed the world that kindness and strength are not mutually exclusive; they can be tightly intertwined and used to generate immense power. Her people and many citizens of the world responded to her leadership; and the community and global response to the tragedy was something extraordinary
The ‘secret sauce’
I want you to think of the last time you were kind to someone. Think about how they responded and how it made them feel. Now think about how you felt… take yourself to that emotional space. If you are like me there will be positive energy buzzing through your body right now. You see… kindness has this amazing dual impact – it does something awesome for someone else, while making you feel great at the same time.
I believe kindness is the ‘secret sauce’. It hides at the core of everything remarkable people and leaders do… and we often don’t quite know how to define it. It is a foundation from which they speak and act. It doesn’t necessarily cost any money. It’s universal and knows no barriers when it comes to race, religion, language or level of ability. The best part is that as it is shared it tends to grow.
Kindness can be delivered in lots of ways. Sometimes, it can be as simple as a smile. It is about seeking to understand, rather than to judge. It is about choosing language carefully, and communicating with empathy. It is acknowledging people with a please, thank you or hello. It is listening compassionately. It is recognising not only successes, but the efforts of others. It is delivering feed forward, instead of feedback. It is going out of your way for someone. It is using what you have, if someone else is without. It is swallowing ego and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Turning up the kindness factor
Throughout my work I have experienced first-hand the impact that kindness has on organisations and individuals. I have come to understand that we can ‘turn up’ the kindness factor through our own actions, and by embedding rituals deep within our education and development programs that give people the opportunity to practice kindness, empathy and compassion. In my view, it should be mandatory for every single leader (be it in a family, school, community or corporate context) to be developed and measured by a kindness quotient of sorts. Strong leadership is the key to building a kindness culture.
So here are a few things you can start playing with, to turn up the kindness factor in your own world:
Open your eyes. Look up. Look around. Start seeking daily opportunities to practice kindness. Maybe it’s just smiling more, or saying hello. Maybe it’s going out of your way to offer help to someone.
Be intentional. Set yourself a little target of ‘daily acts of kindness’. They don’t have to be big. Record them. The more you repeat them, the more they become habitual.
Recognise kindness when you see it in others. Talk about it. Draw attention to other people being kind. Share these examples with your friends and family.
Consider things from the alternative perspective. Kindness often stems from a desire to understand. If someone is acting or behaving in a way that may cause you to be unkind, try talking to them and learning a bit of their story. Get some perspective on why they may be acting that way. If you can’t talk to them, consider all of the things that may be going on in their life. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Learn to respond, rather than react. When someone does something that upsets or frustrates you… take a breath before you say or do anything. Consider the range of responses available. That couple of minutes may just find a way of neutralising the situation or turning it into positive, rather than escalating it further.
“And she said, 'kindness is magic, Derek.’ It's more important to be kind than clever or good-looking.” – Joan. Derek